Spring
by ResilientWriterGirl
Summary: ONESHOT: It's Mother's Day and Olivia spends the day with her son. Semi-tuckson. Mostly Benoah.


**A/N: It's been a while. I own nothing but the mistakes.**

* * *

She watches as the waves crash against the shore with a steady hum, her red toenails peaking out of the warm sand. The breeze is a welcomed relief to her tanned skin and she once again considers putting more sunblock on Noah, though she's already reapplied it three times since 11am. Her son sits close by building his own version of a sandcastle before decimating it and erupting into a fit of giggles. No matter how often it happens she always grins in response. It's a natural reaction to the happiness of her child; though Noah isn't a DNA match, her motherly instincts have never lacked. He's hers and she is his.

It's Mother's Day and the temperature is just warm enough for the beach excursion. Fin and Carisi are catching today. Olivia hadn't even had time to bring up the weekend schedule before Fin had barged into her office and demanded that she and Rollins spent the day enjoying themselves. Barring an emergency of 1PP or mayoral proportions, they were free from the heaviness of SVU for a blissful twenty-four hours.

Joyful squeals of toddlers being introduced to the soft patter of the water for the first time soared throughout the sea-salt atmosphere. Change was in the air. Spring meant new beginnings and it seemed that much of New York had been awaiting it. Parents and their children lined the beach armed with shovels and buckets, towels, coolers, and sunscreen. Couples strolled hand in hand, barely dipping their toes into the still-chilly water. Teenage boys played sand volleyball and football trying to impress the bikini-clad girls laying out in the sun. Somehow, life seemed simple at the beach, a stark contrast to the daily grind of the city.

"Happy Mudder's Day Mommy!" Noah beamed, hugging Olivia's legs in the process.

Picking him up and setting him on her lap, she kissed him on the cheek before replying. "Thank you my love. Are you having fun?"

He beamed at his mother.

"Uh huh!" He nodded rapidly with the enthusiasm that only a child has before pointing about twenty feet over at a little girl. "Dat Kayla. She nice. She played wiff me and showed me her toys."

"She did? Wow," she gasped for his benefit. Ever the cop, she'd talked to Kayla's mom when Noah had gravitated towards the little blonde girl in a Moana swimsuit.

"Yepp!" Eyeing Olivia curiously, he decided she could be trusted before whispering, "She nice AND she pretty like Manda!" She couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up but as soon as she let it escape, her son glared at her sharply. Biting her lip, she controlled the urge.

"Why you laugh at me Mommy? It not nice."

"I'm not laugjing at you, No. You're just so cute and I think that cute little boys named Noah need to be TICKLED!" His scowl was replaced by a smile instantaneously. He jumped off her lap in a flash and ran around her chair in a fiesty attempt to get the upper hand.

"No mommy nooooo!" he exclaimed between bouts of silly laughter. "I gonna get YOU!"

Playing scared, she scurried alongside her son, soaking up the sunshine and the good memories as he tickled her too. It was times like these that she wished she had someone in her life. She didn't just want the memories of the day, she wanted videos and pictures of the pure unadulterated joy eminating from both of them. She wanted physical proof that she could revisit at any time showing that she was happy for more than just a fleeting moment. Ed Tucker had been that chance and she'd let him go... or she'd tried to.

Noah had asked about him less and less over the past few months, an unintentional sentiment that was both relieving and wracked her with grief. That night she'd given into her fears after the case with Theo; she ended it before she could get hurt even worse. Ed's eyes had given away his thoughts. He'd known she was using Noah as an excuse and she'd known that he knew. Somehow still, they'd split, leaving a hole in her heart much deeper than she'd realized. Over the time they'd spent together, he creeped his way into her life. He'd gotten under her skin and it was hard to breathe without him. There were still mornings when she'd wake up expecting to see his coffee mug next to hers, or feel him beneath her fingertips as she rolled over.

Olivia briefly recounted her last Mother's Day. She'd been stuck at the station for most of the evening, another day adding to the resounding thought that she was a terrible mother because her job demanded her time and attention, but Ed still managed to salvage the personal holiday. When she had arrived home, the pleasant aroma of fresh bread filled the apartment. There was salad, spaghetti, bread and wine on the table. Both Ed end Noah were dressed nicely in button-down shirts with rolled up sleeves and khakis. Her boys looked good in blue. Tears had sprung to her eyes before she'd even made it into the kitchen.

"Happy Mother's Day Olivia Margaret Benson." She'd kissed him softly on the lips before lifting Noah into his arms, smothering him with kisses while he squealed in delight.

"I help make da bwead mommy!"

Liv's eyes radiated the joy she was feeling and her gaze met that of the handsome man in front of her.

"You did!? Wow. Thank you my sweet boy!" Staring dirtectly at Ed, she'd whispered her thanks to him for everything and he'd simply smiled back at her. In that moment, she'd known she loved him.

* * *

Unhappy tears streamed down Noah's face while Olivia buckled him in, his sad eyes tugging on her heart.

"It's time to go home, but we'll come back to the beach, Noah. I promise."

"Kay," he whimpered. Though he was well-behaved for a child, he still had his moments. Liv had greatly underestimated how much he'd love the beach, and she made a mental note to enroll him in swimming lessons soon.

She settled into the driver's seat, relieved that her son's sobs had quieted and he seemed to calm down. Nothing would have prepared her for his next inquiry, though.

"Mommy, when Fadder's Day?"

She had no doubt the question would one day be raised , but she'd imagined a day far off in the distance. A halfway decent explanation surely would have come to her if she'd been given ample time. He wasn't supposed to be asking so soon, not when she was so utterly unprepared.

"Oh um, it's not for a while." She peered into the rearview mirror searching his innocent face for clues about his next conversational move.

"Will Tuck take me to da movies? He say we go see da movie den we go get ice cream!"

She'd long ago forgotten about Ed's promise to take Noah out on Father's Day. The previous year, one of Noah's daycare classmates had informed him that everybody had a daddy, so if he didn't something was wrong. Olivia's heart had shattered when he came home crying about not having a daddy too. Ed had stepped in and promised that he'd spend the day with Noah, alleviating the situation smoothly.

"What movie do you wanna see, sweet boy?" Sure Liv, try and distract him from the question because you fucked things up.

"Hmmm... Cars!" Laughing at his answer, she couldn't help but feel the guilt weigh just a little heavier on her shoulders.

As expected, Noah fell asleep on the way back to the city. They had a full day in the sunshine, enjoying every minute of warmth after a harsh winter. The silence creeped in, even the music unable to tamp it out, and her thoughts shifted once again to Ed. She could always call him, but she wasn't ready to face him like that... As long as she didn't have an awkward run in, she could still ignore that she'd ruined such a good relationship.

So many regrets. She rememebers telling Carisi that every relationship had secrets; it had been a moment of weakness, unintentional vulnerability, though she refused to elaborate. In the end, her secret was that as happy as Ed Tucker made her, she was more comfortable in the familiar misery. The unknown scared her shitless. At the very least, she knew what she was getting when she was single and unattached. What she couldn't have predicted was how wrong she'd been. She was in no way unattached to Ed; emotionally, she was his and his alone.

* * *

They'd arrived home in record time, the apartment boasting of the little boy who lived there. His toys littered the living room in a slightly messy fashion, but Olivia didn't really care. Sometimes she left the cars and legos sprawled out in a simple effort to remind herself that this was all real: she, Olivia Margaret Benson, had a beautiful little boy to call her own.

She didn't expect the flower delivery and she almost ignored it, thinking the delivery man must have the wrong address. Calla lillies. The familiar scrawl on the card gripped her heart.

 _To Olivia, an amazing, loving, compassionate woman. Happy Mother's Day. P.S. Stop doubting. You're doing a great job and Noah couldn't be luckier._

"Wow Mommy, dose pretty!" her son's soft, sweet voice said.

"Yes they are. Okay honey, let's get some snacks and watch a movie." Immediately jumping up and down, Noah ran to pick out a dvd, completely oblivious to the effect those flowers had on his mother.

Olivia wanted to thank Ed but each time she picked up the phone... she just couldn't bring herself to go through with it. So much was standing in the way; the gap between them growing larger at every moment. Her pride was there, sure, but if she was honest, it was her fear that truly halted her movements. She wasn't sure if she was ready to hear his voice yet, the voice that had calmed her throughout tragedy, whispered to her of his love and devotion, and taught Noah new songs.

Finally deciding to compromise, she sent him a simple text.

 _Thank you for the flowers Ed._

Just before sending it, she took a deep breath and added, _Noah and I miss you._

She let out the air she'd been holding in and instantly felt lighter after reading his quick reply.

 _I miss you too. Both of you._

The unknown was still scary, but the idea of possibly reconnecting with him made it seem easier. Maybe there would be hope for them after all.


End file.
